Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
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