Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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