she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
