p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
