I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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