Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
