I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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