you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
