Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
