omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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