Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
