You know, be my cock's hype man.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
