i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
