Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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