I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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