I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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