I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Pooping to opera.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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