and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Randomize
