Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
