I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
