I need to stop coming to work sober
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize