So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
