I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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