I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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