I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
