My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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