well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
