I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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