I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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