Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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