no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
