First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
