Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
