That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
