Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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