God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
