How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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