he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
