There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
