No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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