Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
