Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
