If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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