The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
