So drunk, too bad you don't want this
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
