so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
