So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
