We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Randomize
