The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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