our cab driver is having phone sex.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
