I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
