yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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