Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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