I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
