You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Randomize
