I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
