just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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